Transgender: Transition Success Series

Question: A transgender question about my friends?

(Posted by: Jess on 2010-01-10 17:20:47)

I am 20, a male to female who is out and but not started yet. My family and friends know the history, my current status and the route of my future. BUT 3/ 4 of my "closest true friends " for 5 and 7 years so far are now re- assessing if they should be my friend in the future because I will be someone different, they don't believe me, (they are in denial), according to them as well as a lot of other stuff. SO the question is: Do I drop them out of my life and make new friends? - I Don't want to be the person they have to coordinate to hang out with so they don't look bad/ embarassed - I wouldn't want to experience the friendships becoming sour because they are discussing this behind my back - I understand individuals have their own viewpoints and freedom of speech but these are the only and close friends I got. - I also understand people need adjustment time for this subject matter but some have said that they may fake that they are my friend in the future or leave me altogether. - True friends ride along no matter what right? ...Mabey its like how the lotto determines who your real friends are [LASTLY don't be a troll and bash on me that I am transgender, I have enough shit as it is]

Posted by: pj on 2010-01-10, 17:51:15

Honey...my heart goes out to you right now. this is about the most difficult thing that we have to deal with when we transition. first: i'm just awfully glad that you are staying in your home environment. as scary as it seems right now...home will always be home and it's a real heartbreaker to lose it. your friends are...who knows? all i can do is tell you about my experience with this and hope you can relate to some of it and that it can help a little. i was adamant in my own mind that any friend i was going to lose would have to overtly dump me....and some did. but every friend i had heard during that time how much i valued their friendship and how badly i would be hurt by losing it. and losing those i did lose... hurt badly. there were several people who began to distance themselves from me without making a clean break. i wouldn't let them lose touch, as i said...no one was going to just wander off and not tell me to my face that they couldn't accept me and wanted nothing to do with me. i didn't try to force anyone, i tried to give everyone time to process things...i didn't take the first words out of their mouths as being something final...eventhough in some cases...they really meant it. i gave everyone a chance to look at it from different perspectives and hopefully arrive at a place other then the initial shock and confusion. also...i can say that i was surprised several times. there were people in my circle that i felt would just fall apart and hate me forever....and then turned out to just take it in stride. there were others i thought i could count on to at least give me a chance....who dumped me out of hand and never looked back. it really was quite odd how that worked. so...your lottery analogy isn't that far fetched in my experience. on a very positive note....i can tell you that now, six years into my transition, i have more friends then i ever did before. i have found that living an open and honest life disarms the fears of so many...many people want to be around me these days...not just good friends, but people i just know from here or there...and there are allot more of them than ever before too. it's definitely no walk in the park.....but the payoffs from transition for me have out gained the losses by an extraordinary amount. life is better in every conceivable way. i hope it works out like that for you too! hope some of this helps. much love and hope. pj

Posted by: uceyeamtheone on 2010-01-10, 17:29:38

Unfortunately people have a hard time understanding it.. not your problem right? dont drop them, let them drop you.. you'll come "out " stronger out of it. congrats on your outing :)

Posted by: Jon on 2010-01-10, 17:34:59

Hey, well, why don't you wait and see who is still around when the dust settles so to speak. Let them go through your transformation with you. The ones that fall away as you progress, should be let go. Life is hard enough without having to fight to keep friends that just don't care to be a supportive part of your life. So, like I said. Take them all with you from the start, and the ones who are left at the end are the keepers. And, if no one is left at the end, I know that you will find new friends that will accept you. There are a lot of great people out there still and you will find some of them to become your friends. Good Luck with everything ahead! Take care and stay positive.

Posted by: Panther on 2010-01-10, 17:39:51

Youre only 20 you have a lifetime to make lifetime friends embrace who youre becoming without the bitterness of the sting of predetermined rejection not everyone you meet will care who you were born as

Posted by: Evelyn Rose on 2010-01-10, 17:40:22

I have the exact same issues . All my friends hate me because I told them . So I am left alone . In my honest opinion, do what you feel you need to do . I couldn't (and can't) live as a male, so I'd rather be happy than suicidal .

Posted by: Jill Edwards on 2010-01-10, 17:54:25

Only you can decide weather to move on without them or not. Personally I would plan for the worst and hope for the best. Leave the door and lines of communication open but start looking for new friends at the same time. The odds are that you will loose some of those friends, I'm sure you already know that. So its a new you and new road your on. May as well make some new friends along the way.

Posted by: Erica - Extreme Makeover Edition on 2010-01-10, 22:03:01

There is literally no way you can predict what you will lose, and what you will keep when you transition. Every person is different. Every person has friendships based on different things. The thing to keep in mind is that people who you lose as friends may come back, or you may never speak to them again, but ultimately you will see who they are with crystal clarity. Those you lose weren't very good friends in the first place, or they have some serious phobias they need to deal with. The good news is, the friends you make while you transition are the ones who you KNOW accept you.